Another Sort Of Hacking
Jul. 20th, 2011 03:27 pmI've been remarkably quiet on here, and Livejournal, for quite some time. This was partly because I didn't have much to say, but it was also because I didn't think that anyone wanted to read anything that I did want to talk about. Which, I'm now aware, may not be true. Even if it is true, it's a bit pointless taking the "tl;dr" decision out of the hands of my potential readers. But this is a significant shift in my attitude, and it came out of a discussion with the lovely ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cosmolinguist.
I can't remember the question she asked me, now. That's probably good. But it made me realise that the online quietness, and my inability to talk to my friends, and the nervousness that I've displayed - if you're reading this, odds are you've seen it - all came out of a fear that I was manipulating the people around me. Which, let's be fair here, I do sometimes. But I think everyone does, and it's not the end of the world if it happens every now and again. But the paralysis, the terror, left me as soon as I accepted that I wasn't this terrible, manipulative monster that I thought I was.
I've spent a lot of the last year hacking around, inside my own head. My medication is the right sort and the right dose, and I am very aware of just how lucky I am to be able to say that. I've had some intensely painful therapy, which did me the world of good in the end - no matter how many times I wanted to quit - and now I'm getting some person-centred counselling as a follow-up. I've also got a much clearer vision of when I'm looking after myself and when I'm bullshitting because I'm scared. I've also got a wonderful girlfriend and a great group of friends.
In addition, for the first time in a while, I'm feeling driven to write. This isn't just any navel-gazing blog post, oh no. This is one of a series of self-examinations, that I've been writing since I was 12, which I've always thought of as "The Discourse". Every single piece of this is just what I need. If my brain has an operating system, then this year has been about clearing out the cruft, uninstalling unwanted packages, and scrapping a lot of complicated code that wasn't working.
But on its own, this isn't enough. Despite how I've acted of late, I am more than just a series of biological CPUs embedded in 180cm of ugly scaffolding. I am body, mind and spirit together, and all three aspects are just as within my control as each other. And hence, they are all equally hackable.
I am not going to start obsessing about weight, body fat or BMI. I'm not going to take up a religion, or any new gods, or hand any of my control of my self over to anyone else, for any reason. It's about doing the exact opposite of that; of mindfully exerting the control that I have over all aspects of my being.
I don't care about being fit. I care about being fit for purpose. I want to harness my creativity, or to go for long walks and short runs, and to more fully believe in my own ability to change the world around me for the better. And I want to do that without dwelling on my own mistakes, or on any perceived wrongs done to me by others.
I've had enough of saying "onwards and sideways" like it was funny, or meaningful. It's time for a little "Citius, Altius, Fortius" - Higher, Faster, Stronger.
cosmolinguist.I can't remember the question she asked me, now. That's probably good. But it made me realise that the online quietness, and my inability to talk to my friends, and the nervousness that I've displayed - if you're reading this, odds are you've seen it - all came out of a fear that I was manipulating the people around me. Which, let's be fair here, I do sometimes. But I think everyone does, and it's not the end of the world if it happens every now and again. But the paralysis, the terror, left me as soon as I accepted that I wasn't this terrible, manipulative monster that I thought I was.
I've spent a lot of the last year hacking around, inside my own head. My medication is the right sort and the right dose, and I am very aware of just how lucky I am to be able to say that. I've had some intensely painful therapy, which did me the world of good in the end - no matter how many times I wanted to quit - and now I'm getting some person-centred counselling as a follow-up. I've also got a much clearer vision of when I'm looking after myself and when I'm bullshitting because I'm scared. I've also got a wonderful girlfriend and a great group of friends.
In addition, for the first time in a while, I'm feeling driven to write. This isn't just any navel-gazing blog post, oh no. This is one of a series of self-examinations, that I've been writing since I was 12, which I've always thought of as "The Discourse". Every single piece of this is just what I need. If my brain has an operating system, then this year has been about clearing out the cruft, uninstalling unwanted packages, and scrapping a lot of complicated code that wasn't working.
But on its own, this isn't enough. Despite how I've acted of late, I am more than just a series of biological CPUs embedded in 180cm of ugly scaffolding. I am body, mind and spirit together, and all three aspects are just as within my control as each other. And hence, they are all equally hackable.
I am not going to start obsessing about weight, body fat or BMI. I'm not going to take up a religion, or any new gods, or hand any of my control of my self over to anyone else, for any reason. It's about doing the exact opposite of that; of mindfully exerting the control that I have over all aspects of my being.
I don't care about being fit. I care about being fit for purpose. I want to harness my creativity, or to go for long walks and short runs, and to more fully believe in my own ability to change the world around me for the better. And I want to do that without dwelling on my own mistakes, or on any perceived wrongs done to me by others.
I've had enough of saying "onwards and sideways" like it was funny, or meaningful. It's time for a little "Citius, Altius, Fortius" - Higher, Faster, Stronger.
